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Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Didn't want to know

a: They just didn't want to know her.
b: Why not?
a: They felt like she belonged to someone else
b: But she never really could belong with them
a: But in their minds she did
b: Why does she care? Can't she just forget?
a: It is like a searing pain within her. A big gaping hole.
b: I have a friend who's adopted, and she doesn't care.
a: But this girl has met them, and they didn't want her.
b: That's a pain that runs deep.
a: So what now for her?
b: She just waits.

Sunday, 04 January 2009

New Year

The year finally ended and a new one has begun. I lost so much last year, went through so much. First there was the dramatic end to my relationship, then four hospital admissions left me a shell of what I was. Even lost memory and lost who I am. Now I find myself living in this hot unfriendly town, knowing hardly anyone. I hope to find myself again, and escape this awful uncomfortable feeling. But right now I can hardly have a conversation with anyone, and everything is a struggle.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

"I was born to a woman I never knew and raised by another who took in orphans. I do not know my background, my lineage, my biological or cultural heritage. But when I meet someone new, I treat them with respect.... For after all, they could be my people." - James Michener, Author

"Natural children, who have parents, siblings, and other blood-related relatives, are grounded in a reality from which they can spin their images. But adoptees do not feel grounded or connected by any such reality. Much of their imagery is not centered on the adoptive family in which they live as if they belong, but rather in fantasy and imagination. They have a sense that their very perceptions are deceiving them. They have lost the ability to distinguish between what is real and what is supposed to be real." - Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self

"In all of us there is a hunger, narrow and deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is a vacuum, an emptiness and a most disquieting loneliness!" - Alex Haley, Author

"The prisoner disintegrated because he could never find out what he was guilty of" - The Trial by Kafka

"The oppressed should rebel, and they will continue to rebel and raise disturbance until their civil rights are fully restored to them and all partial distinctions, exlusions, and incapacitations are removed." -- Thomas Jefferson

"...Being separated from their birth mothers and handed over to strangers in the adoption process is the only trauma where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful..." -Nancy Verrier, The Primal Wound

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man." - George B. Shaw

“The only way around is through” - Robert Frost

"Never doubt that a small group of thougthful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has".- Margaret Mead

"We shall not cease our explorations, and the end of our exploring will be to arrive back where we started and know the place for the first time" - T.S. Eliot

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." - Langston Hughes

Betty Jean Lifton, Journey of the Adopted Self

"Adoptees must weave a new self-narrative out of the fragments of what was, what might have been, and what is. This means they must integrate their two selves: the regressed baby who was abandoned and the adult the baby has become.

"They must make the artificial self real, and allow the forbidden self to come out of hiding. They must integrate what is authentic in these two selves, and balance the power between them. It is during this period that the adoptee feels most vulnerable, because neither self is in charge.
"They must accept that they cannot be fully the birth parent's child any more than they could be fully the adoptive parents' child. They must claim their own child, become their own person, and belong to themselves."

Nancy Verrier, The Primal Wound

"...Adoptive parents have been lied to about the ease with which these babies would accept them as parents..."

"The adoptee is paralyzed by the belief that he was responsible for his own abandonment because he wasn't a good enough baby to keep. By believing this, he is giving the mother who left him omnipotent wisdom in having made this decision, when she was actually a confused, vulnerable, and often very young person acting from fear or other people's advice..."

"...Too often misguided clinicians advise the parents to send the child to an adolescent treatment center or special school. They are completely unaware of the significance this solution has on the child. Whereas in some cases this may be the last resort and only thing to do, on the psychological level it only reinforces and exacerbates the abandonment issue for adoptees."

"...The need to defend against the possibility of abandonment or other loss intrudes into almost every relationship..."

"...The general public still finds it difficult to accept that these biological mothers and their adult children have a right to find one another..."

Sunday, 15 June 2008

FILLIUS NULLIUS

SHE HAS BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH IN HER LIFE. FIRST WHEN SHE WAS BORN HER MOTHER DIDN'T WANT HER AND GAVE HER AWAY. THE FAMILY SHE WENT TO WAS STRICT AND HER BROTHER WAS CRUEL. WHEN SHE WAS FIVE THEY WENT TO LIVE IN INDIA AND SHE HAD NO TOYS AND THE KINDY TEACHER HAD A BIG STICK. THEY CAME BACK TO AUSTRALIA AND SHE GOT SENT TO SCHOOL. THE FIRST DAY WALKED IN ALONE BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO EVEN THOUGH SHE GOT LOST. FOR AWHILE SHE STAYED ALONE THERE AND GOT TO PLAY MUSIC. THEN SHE GOT SENT TO A BAD SCHOOL. THERE SHE WAS BULLIED AND PUT DOWN. SHE STAYED THERE FOR NINE YEARS. AS SOON AS SHE COULD LEAVE HOME SHE DID. HER BROTHER TOOK HER IN BUT THEN ONE DAY HE CHOKED HER AGAINST THE WALL. SHE FOUND A PLACE AND A BOYFRIEND AFTER THAT BUT THEN GOT BASHED BY SOME GIRLS. SHE LIVED WITH FRIENDS BUT LIVED ALONE LIKE SOMEONE WHO COMES FROM NOBODY. ONE DAY A BEAUTIFUL BOY SAID TO GO WITH HIM TO OVERSEAS SO SHE WENT AND THEN HE LEFT HER. ONE DAY HE RAN OVER HER FOOT WITH THE VAN WHILE YELLING. FOR FIVE MONTHS HE MADE HER DO THINGS SHE DIDNT WANT TO DO. SHE LOST HERSELF AND HER SELF DIED AGAIN. BY THE TIME SHE GOT HOME SHE WAS GONE. AND THERE WAS NO HOME. SHE FOUND HER MOTHER AND HER FATHER NOT THE ONES WHO TOOK HER IN BUT HER ACTUAL MOTHER AND FATHER BUT THEY STILL DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW HER. SHE GOT REALLY SICK AFTER A WHILE AND THEN THE SICKNESS TURNED TO MADNESS. HER WHOLE WORLD BROKE. SHE RECOVERED BUT NOT LONG AFTER SHE HAD A FLATMATE WHO WOULDNT GO SO HE PUNCHED HER AND THEN NOT LONG AFTER THAT A GIRL BASHED HER UP AND THEN AGAIN NOT LONG AFTER HER BOYFRIEND TRIED TO KILL HER. NOW SHE TRUSTS NOBODY AND IF AN ARM COMES TOWARDS HER SHE EXPECTS IT TO BE PUNCHING. SHE PUTS ON A BRAVE FACE FOUR DAYS A WEEK AND THE OTHER THREE DAYS SHE BREAKS DOWN. SHE GETS ABUSED FOR BREAKING DOWN AND TOLD TO BE STRONGER. A MAN STANDS TOO CLOSE AND HER HAND MAKES A FIST THOUGH SHE HAS NEVER USED HER HANDS TO FIGHT THAT WAY. SHE GETS TOLD ITS NOT THAT BAD AND THAT SHE HAS NO ILLNESS. SHE CAN'T REMEMBER ALL THESE THINGS AT ONCE BECAUSE IT BREAKS HER. ONCE SHE SAW THE WORLD ANOTHER WAY, FOUND THE SECRETS OF THE UNIVERSE AND THE SECRET WAS LOVE. IF SHE GLOWED THE BEAUTY WOULD BE MAGNIFICENT. FOR NOW SHE HIDES IT BENEATH WALLS BEHIND WALLS. ONE DAY SHE WILL SHINE SO BRIGHT. SHE WOULD LOVE TO SING, TO FLY, TO LOVE AGAIN TO SAY THERES ANOTHER WAY THE WORLD COULD BE. NOW THE WORLD OPPRESSES HER AND SHE DOES NOT BELONG TO IT. SHE BELONGS TO NOBODY. HER BREATH IS FREEDOM AND HER HEART IS TRUTH.